Saturday

Well it's been a long month or so, some good days out with friends, but the alcohol fall out has lead to a long anxiety period, which frankly was not fun.  How to manage fun with not fun?  I'm also overspending and showing a health debt on accounts.  I don't really want to restructure debts again, so nights out are confined to Perth and not to travelling round Scotland.  I'm not sure how I manage doing sod all for the next six months till bonus time, but hey lots of people have it tougher that I do.

I've got friends and  a place in life and I'm going to enjoy it.

What happended to the last seven months?

Ok so it looks like I never blogged again after moving house.  To be honest that was quite stressful and then work stuff etc just took over and my recovery time didn't include writing up what was happening.


I'm sorry, I may come back to it.  I've been busy with work, I've been going to gigs and visiting places, mainly on my own and mainly great fun.  It's been important for me to get out of the house and to see places, experience live music, poetry, comedy, drama.


Most of it has been at one venue "The Tollbooth" in Stirling.  It's easy for me to get to, but it gets me out of Perth where I live so is a change of location and different stimuli, but it's now familiar enough to be comfortable.  It's important for me to know where I'm going, how the public transport works etc. 


There's always a first time in going somewhere which can be stressful. Once I've got one place sorted out then it's possible to get the next one sorted out and the next.


The importance of the Tollbooth is that I started going to see artists I knew and then extended this to artists I thought I might like.  I trust the venue's management to put on an interesting mix of artists to pick from and to give me decent information about the kind of music they play and their standing in the culture.  I've seen a lot of bands now, many I didn't know and only one that I didn't like.  They were good, but not to my taste.


So that has kept me busy for half a year.  I'll be posting some more about recent trips and gigs soon I hope.


I know getting out can be stressful and feel dangerous.  It is for me and all my trips are planned.  I have had meltdowns due to transport failures and tiredness.  But you know what the pleasure from the experiences balances that out and makes it worth it.

Moving House

Well "they" say moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do.  "They"'re not wrong.   But a bit of history first...

Anyway I've decided to move house for the first time in five years.  I live in a basement flat on a main road with single glazing, so it's a little cold, and noisy and very dark.  But I've stayed here and every year I've thought to myself, well why would I look for another flat in this town if I'm going to move away this year.  The town and job were only ever a stop gap and "temporary".  But after five years one has to realise that either you get on with looking for a job or you concede that this is where you live and this is your life.

So I spent an evening on the jobs websites and I saw quite a few nice jobs I could do with good money in big cities with the life style I wanted.  But when I sat and thought about it did I want to move?  I've got a niche in this office where generally they don't bother me, I do work I enjoy and am now appreciated for it.  As I noted in the last post I've found a way to work which doesn't upset people and generally I'm not stressed.  This is quite a list of positives.

On the other hand job interviews, starting new jobs in new cities are hard.  A new office may look lovely and full of intelligent people who know how the job should be done.  Inside it can be chaos and you have no control over your day and no idea what you're expected to do.  I don't really want to take that risk, I'd rather enjoy my life.

So, not moving jobs, but maybe there is something I could change?  So I went to the rental websites and straight away found the flat I'd looked for 5 years ago and missed.  It's close enough to work I can walk in the same with town.  No more buses, I'd rather walk in the rain or snow if I can get to my destination without worrying about the random nature of bus times.

So at the moment I'm packing and sorting my life into, keep, throw away, donate or think about later.

I don't like doing this and the post explaining why is longer than this one, so I'll have to save that for tomorrow.  But briefly doing this upsets the routine.  You can't find things you want and you come across stuff you'd rather stayed hidden.

Every box I fill is followed by a break whilst I look at the mess that's left.  There's a metaphor for you.

An Introduction to "not ACTUALLY diagnosed..."

What made me start a blog with that title?  "not ACTUALLY diagnosed with ASD or Autism"? 


Well I'm mid 40s, bisexual, single, cis-male, working full time in admin and wanted to explore my feelings of someone who doesn't have a  diagnosis but relates to some of the issues and struggles in the literature for those with "high functioning ASD" (Autistic Spectrum Disorder).


I will be talking about my work place, but I like my work and they treat me well so the issues I have are of lapses rather than major fails (for me).  I won't name them and if you know or work it out please refrain from naming them in comments.  But let me copy a recent post I made on my Livejournal -


"Yesterday I had the pep talk.

It went Oh but Neil everyone says how really useful to the department you are. And I don't get any complaints about your behaviour, everyone just sees you as one of the team. It's an achievement and you should be proud.

So basically I'm being patted on the back for coming across as normal (not his word). Gah, the sheer amount of FUCKING EFFORT to conform. I have no idea if I'm on the Autistic Spectrum and I'll never go for a diagnosis now, too much childhood stuff now not available to make it worthwhile, but my day to day self is like many of my friends, not mainstream. I have to put constraints to meet accepted behavioural norms.

It's hard work, I manage as best I can, but the well meaning pat on the back can fuck off."


Yep I was annoyed and I need to think about it.  By identifying as bisexual I'm outside the norm, but the issues in my life are the fact that my behaviour is perceived as odd and that I have to adjust, the rest of the office, with a few exceptions can't cope.  But they're not expected to adjust.  Since I was  nine I've had to adjust.


Why is that?  What does it mean for me and others who may or may not be ASD and are in the workplace, but find it hard.


Welcome to the start of the thoughts on this.